Yesterday I was talking with one of my sons and said to him, “What a difference a year makes, huh?” He knew what I was talking about and replied, “I know!” A year ago I was about to experience my first Christmas in almost 40 years without Becky. It was a sad feeling that is hard to describe. Watching the unbridled joy of my little granddaughter helped to soothe the pain. Norah had been told that “Honey” had gone to heaven with Jesus and that’s all she would be told for now. In the meantime, she would have a joyful Christmas and nothing could stop that.
Yesterday the realization hit me that I’ve been healed since that day 13 months ago. It wasn’t an instantaneous healing, but rather gradual. Grief is a difficult subject to teach anyone about because I’ve never met any two people who processed it the same way. How was I healed? The simplest answer I can give is – I had to lean into Jesus and let Him love me. I was telling a friend the other day that I feel like I’ve been experiencing one long and continuous kiss from my Father in heaven. What does that feel like? I’m so glad you asked. What it feels like to me is an act of kindness from a friend or even a complete stranger, or a word of encouragement, or a hug, or my granddaughter kissing me and saying, “I love you, Pawpaw!” It’s when I lay in bed at night alone and hear Jesus whisper to my heart, “I love you.” There have been so many times when I’ll be going about my daily business and suddenly feel overwhelmed by His presence.
Can I explain it? No. Do I understand it? Barely.
That’s probably why it’s better that I not lean on my own understanding. Sound familiar? (Prov. 3:5) It’s far better that I just lean into Jesus. I’ve been doing that more and more these days and I’m experiencing a depth of joy that has been a long time coming.
There is a scripture the Lord gave me many years ago that had become ingrained in me. I read it again a few months ago in The Passion Translation and it blew me away!
I hear the Lord saying, “I will stay close to you, instructing and guiding you along the pathway for your life. I will advise you along the way and lead you forth with my eyes as your guide. So don’t make it difficult; don’t be stubborn when I take you where you’ve not been before. Don’t make me tug you and pull you along. Just come with me!” (Psalm 32:8 TPT)
The best way to go without Him tugging and pulling me along is to follow His eyes. The Apostle John saw Christ and described Him as having eyes “like a flame of fire” (Revelation 1:14) Those eyes burn with the fire of His perfect love for us and I want to follow those eyes! The more I look into those fiery eyes, the more I am undone and the more I want others to see Him too. Regardless of what next year holds, good or bad, I’ll follow those eyes.
Lean into Him and let Him love you.
A beloved son,
Kevin